Do you ever find yourself looking at your life and realizing that, while the events going on are fantastic, you are a mess still? This is where I am currently. I’m about to go back into school, I’ve got a loving relationship, adorable kitties, a booming garden, enough money to get by, a reasonable relationship with my family, constant contact with friends. It all seems great. Yet, I’m also up to my ears in debt, my room is still a disaster from move in, I don’t have a job til school starts, I need to set up an altar, my trad studies have fallen behind, and I am struggling to try and lose weight and to regularly exercise. I constantly forget to take my medicine, I have horrid nutrition, my garden barely makes it day to day, my poor snake needs more loving, and I just feel like I’m falling apart. I know it too, and I have to make the changes so I don’t feel this way. I need to cultivate an awareness of my life to do this, and that will be the biggest challenge. I’m going to do some major thinking about what goals I want to work on, and I may post them later today. For now, it’s time for coffee and muffins, I’ve got some mixes for strawberry and blueberry. Also, donating blood to the Red Cross today, so I won’t be up to tons of stuff later in the afternoon.
(edit: This post began with a C, and so I’m cheating and making it my first C post for the Pagan Blog Project. At least I’ll be caught up with the project if I post on time Friday!)
I have to admit something, to myself more than anything else. I have terrible anxiety problems. Now, I’ve known this forever. I tell people about it from time to time. I’ve just never accepted it to the fact of letting myself move forward. I’ve slowly starting working on lessening my panic attacks and anxiety, but just today I had a good friend over and in my nervousness (its rare to have someone to come visit me) I pretty much ruined the visit (which was her coming to say good bye to her dog who I’m dog sitting and who will be going to a new family later today). I seriously have to get better control of this, and I don’t want to have to go in for intense evaluations to just be told that I either a) need medicine that I’ll have to be on for the rest of my life or b) therapy sessions where I spend weeks talking about the same things without moving forward. I have to move forward, or I’m going to lose myself. And that prospect is frightening. I have to accept that fear, and make it into a weapon to help myself. Mold it to improve instead of hinder. This will be a task and a path, that like many things, will last the rest of my life. I’m already ruining friendships, potential relationships, and my familial relationships with the intensity of my anxiety or my antisocial tendencies. I’ve got to break this NOW!
This post was, if anything, true admittance of my problem. I’ve admitted it before, and accepted it, but now I have to defeat it. And I promise to myself that I will. Perhaps its time for a good affirmation ceremony to banish that anxiety during this waning moon…
I fight a battle every day
Against discouragement and fear;
Some foe stands always in my way
The path ahead is never clear!
I must forever be on guard
Against the doubts that skulk along;
I get ahead by fighting hard,
But fighting keeps my spirit strong
I hear the croaking of despair,
The dark predictions of the weak;
I find myself pursued by care,
No matter what the end I seek;
My victories are small and few,
It matters not how hard I strive;
Each day the fight begins anew,
But fighting keeps my hopes alive.
My dreams are spoiled by circumstance,
My plans are wrecked by fate or luck;
Some hour, perhaps, will bring my chance,
But that great hour has never struck;
My progress has been slow and hard,
I’ve had to climb and crawl and swim,
Fighting for every stubborn yard;
But I have kept in fighting trim.
I have to fight my doubts away
And be on guard against my fears;
The feeble croaking of dismay
Has been familiar through the years;
My dearest plans keep going wrong,
Events combine to thwart my will:
But fighting keeps my spirit strong,
And I am undefeated still!
I’ve found something I didn’t know or expect. It is true how life throws things at you. Now, if this is what I think it is, I hope I can hold on to it, and to myself. If I can’t keep myself together, it may all come crashing down. But the risk, the chance, is worth it.