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Inner Sanctum

~ The Inner Mind of a Wild Young Witch

Inner Sanctum

Tag Archives: PBP

Daily Practice (PBP)

24 Friday Feb 2012

Posted by Nymphaea in Devotional, Life, Pagan Blog Project, Personal Work and Practices

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Daily Devotional, Daily Practice, Pagan Blog Project, Pagan Blogging Project, PBP, Perspective, Relax

The foundation to any good thing is based in practice. Whether it be a sport, a hobby, something crafty, something Crafty, or even just simple communication with the divine. Many pagans end up doing a ‘festival only’ approach, and then when it comes time for the festivals, barely even participate.

Come on, you know you’ve done it. In at least one stage of your life you’ve chuffed off the sabbats and other festivals and just shut in, barely even doing any sort of daily practice/devotional. We all have. Hell, I’m still in that state many a day! It’s a slow climb out, but it’s happening. I think that the first step in strengthening your Craft and your connection is with daily practice, or in a more accurate sense, daily ritual.

Now, why do I call it daily ritual? The concept of ritual, to me, is closely related to routine. I lack both in my life, as do many individuals in their early 20’s. I believe something is to be said about being youthful and spontaneous, but at the same time something is also to be said for having a solid routine in one’s life. I work as a waitress, and often flip flop working days and nights. My life has no routine, and I sorely notice that quite often. I yearn for a solid wake up ritual of wanting to wake up at the same time every morning (well maybe not weekends!) and washing my hands, face, getting a cup of coffee started, and doing a morning devotional. I really really want to do that. Yet, I haven’t been, and it’s no one’s fault but my own. We have to remember that routine worship/devotionals/practice often form the basis of one’s Craft, and not only that, but help center us for having a better day and leading better lives. When I wake up and know I have to go to work and serve bitch-ass army wives who look down upon a civilian waitress who has to work instead of popping out a baby every year (I am not anti-military, but try being a civilian in one of the biggest military towns in the US and you’ll understand my sentiment) who then tip like shit so that they are a complete waste of my time and effort and their little hell brats that they let scream all through the meal end up making such a huge mess that it takes me 10 minutes to clean it up………..

You get the picture. Sometimes we NEED that daily dose of morning coffee and perspective. Whether you go outside and breathe fresh air, nestle your face in your herbs as you water them, inhale in the aroma of your favorite morning beverage while curling your toes on the cold floor, washing your face and feeling the life return to it, reading a hymn in the morning….Sometimes those little things, those daily reminders and devotionals to the divine keep life from becoming overwhelming. Do that before you get ready for work, before you cook breakfast for the family, before you read the depressing news headlines. Align yourself before you take on the world and you’ll become a force that can’t be stopped, least of all by your own mind.

❤ Nym

My Calling, Past and Present (PBP)

15 Wednesday Feb 2012

Posted by Nymphaea in Life, Pagan Blog Project

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Tags

Pagan Blog Project, Pagan Blogging Project, PBP

So, here is my second C. I wanted to give a bit of my background so that readers can understand my perspective, spiritually speaking. Also I needed a C letter. I warn you, I am bearing my past to you, the reader. There are some unpleasant things here, ones I am still dealing with. Yet, I think that all of this has helped formed me, strengthened me, and will help me on my future road. So, I share with you a small window into my past, so you can understand my present, and walk with me through to the future.

I grew up in a twice a year Christian household. While that may be the story for many of us, I was actually raised fairly spiritually in some ways and not at all in others. I learned to read from mother reading to me out of a kids picture Bible every night. I don’t remember if it was more positive or not, but I remember loving that book.

All of my family was Christian. Even if I never went to church I was still surrounded by the general ideas associated with mainstream Christianity. My mom’s family was from TN, and were baptists, but liberal. I have no idea what branch of Christianity my father followed, or my grandmother on his side. I do remember at an early age my father’s mother asking me if my mother went to church. I told her no, she didn’t always go, and my grandmother told me that my mother was going to hell, but that I wouldn’t go because ‘God doesn’t send little children to hell, sweetheart.”

I decided that I wanted to become an official member of our tiny Baptist church nestled in the back woods around the age of 10-11. However, I never truly enjoyed that tiny country church. As I headed to middle school I began to ask ‘those questions’. Whether all paths lead to the same road. And of course, I never got the satisfactory answers, I was just refuted and then ignored by the Sunday School teachers.

In middle school, I went through a ‘spiritual separation’ of sorts. After years of discontent, I decided I didn’t care about spirituality or religion. I wasn’t an atheist per se, I just didn’t care at all. I also went through the awkward stages of being a teenage girl, with the addition of having an over protective mother who not only pushed me into sports and refused to allow me to have a social life beyond special occasions (I was limited to at most 10 minute phone calls, was not allowed to do anything social at someone else’s home unless my mother knew every detail of what we were doing-all movies watched, all the people who would be there, in-depth descriptions of all my friends, and having confirm everything with the parents of the friend who happened to be hosting the event, AND, even if all of that was confirmed, I still didn’t get to go half of the time). My mother’s overprotective tendencies quickly became emotional abuse, as I was called horn-dog for talking to boys my age, slut for wearing tight clothes, and then threatened to have all of my contacts, preferred clothes and make up taken away, with my mother saying that she would dress me every day if I didn’t do what she wanted. Eventually this behavior led to me being curled up into a ball, sobbing and crying, while she stood over me screaming curse words and nasty things, and in come cases did become instances of physical abuse. Even now, years later, she still can’t understand why I have a hard time interacting with her. But more on that in a different entry I think!

Anyway, with all that shit going on, I quickly became depressed. I did self-mutilate (I was 13 at the time) and I was convinced the world was a black hole. I had no fluffy bunnies, no beautiful green fields. Nothing spiritual brightened my day, there was no silver lining. It was a very difficult few years for me.

When I reached high school, most of the social problems I had didn’t go away. I became better in sports as I finally started developing muscle mass (although I had an early onset period, I never filled out or fully developed until I graduated when, at the age of 18 and 5’2″, I weighed 93lbs. I never had an eating disorder, but years of high mileage endurance running literally kept me from developing into a womanly shape), but I still felt as if I were a little boy. I had no curves, no breasts and anytime I voiced my concerns about my body, my mother would give this line “Enjoy being that thin while you can! Once you hit triple digits you’ll never go back!” At a few points during school I did hit 100lbs, and I was made fun of frequently by my parents when I was at that weight, even if they only thought it was only done ‘out of love’ and ‘jokingly’.

During all this turmoil, I did manage to maintain excellent grades, involve myself in several clubs, and earn 8 varsity letters (4 for cross country and 4 for track&field). Yet, I was missing something. Early my freshman year, I did try to rekindle my Christian leanings. Later that year, my friend lent me a book- Teen Witch by Silver Ravenwolf. Yep, that’s right folks, my first pagan book was THAT book. Now, I had always loved Greek mythology. In my reading class, we actually did an entire unit on it, and man did I love that so much. My love of myth, desire for magic, and wish to get out of my own life quickly led me to the pagan path (yes, not all of those are good reasons, but it ended up coming out to a good end). I then fell in love with Brian Froud’s “The Faeries’ Oracle” (I still have this and LOVE this deck, I don’t care how much you want to hate on Froud!), as a friend owned it. I later purchased my first pagan book, “Solitary Wicca for Life” by Arin Murphy-Hiscock (this book is actually one of the best 101 books I had ever read, even though I don’t follow a Wiccan path), and was given two books for my birthday. One of these was a general reference book of random witchy terms, and another was a spell book for household spells that I still have and still want to use!

I got my hands on all the pagan books I could (which weren’t very many), copied rituals by hand or photo copier, and just went to town researching. Yet, I was very very restricted in my practice, as I was terrified of my mother finding out. I eventually told her long term boyfriend (who functions as my stepfather/father anyway), but she to this day still doesn’t know my religion.

Soon, however, I began to have a warring in my heart between Christianity and Paganism. I wanted the community of the church. I hated not having support behind me, particularly the old I grew. For almost a year, I had packed up my pagan books and pieces of paper, almost convinced they were satanic. Then I tried to reconcile the two by becoming a Christeopagan. Now, this does work for some but, needless to say, not for me. I realize now that I had this community disconnect because I couldn’t see the little things in life. I didn’t realize at that time how much divinity truly permeated the world…that it WAS the world. Those profound truths don’t always appear to an 18 year old (hell, I feel privileged at 22 to feel any truth).

I continued to struggle with my spiritual identity as I headed to college. As I quickly found myself drowning in anxiety, depressive symptoms and poor study skills, I did find for the first time people who actually cared about me (in a social context). I had had friends in high school, but they were few and far between. I really found my friend ‘soulmates’ in college. And, eventually, I found a good pagan friend. He helped rekindle my desire to connect with the divine. At this point, all holding to Christianity fell away, and in fact was replaced with resentment.  Since then, that resentment has fallen away as well.  We are all individuals searching for our own paths in life, who am I to judge?

Eventually, my time at college (at least then) came to an end.  I had to leave the place that felt more like my home than any other, to save my sanity.  When I returned to my hometown, I was devastated.  I barely kept my spiritual ties.  Slowly, over the past year, I’ve rebuilt them, and have made them stronger than they ever were.  I still struggle with focus, with meditation, but I’m a student in a tradition, trying to work past my armchair pagan tendencies, and working for a healthier life in general.  I think that sometimes, people use spirituality to just blanket hurts, when in truth it needs to be entwined with your very being to do you any lasting good.  Not sure if that makes sense but yeah, it does to me…

Over the past month, I’ve made several discoveries.  I know now that I’ve been called to this path.  No matter what, it has always come back to me.  It served as a comfort blanket for me in hard times and now, it’s time for me to give back to the Gods, to the path, and to my fellow beings on this earth.

I’m not sure if this entry ended how I wanted it to end.  I believe it just took on a life of its own.  But there you have it, my past.  With some of that, you can see my perspective now, and understand why I am so hopeful for the future!

Whew, that was a long one!

❤ Nym

Confession (PBP)

08 Wednesday Feb 2012

Posted by Nymphaea in Life, Mindfulness, Pagan Blog Project

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

anxiety, Life, negative, Pagan Blog Project, Pagan Blogging Project, PBP, positive, social

(edit: This post began with a C, and so I’m cheating and making it my first C post for the Pagan Blog Project. At least I’ll be caught up with the project if I post on time Friday!)

I have to admit something, to myself more than anything else. I have terrible anxiety problems. Now, I’ve known this forever. I tell people about it from time to time. I’ve just never accepted it to the fact of letting myself move forward. I’ve slowly starting working on lessening my panic attacks and anxiety, but just today I had a good friend over and in my nervousness (its rare to have someone to come visit me) I pretty much ruined the visit (which was her coming to say good bye to her dog who I’m dog sitting and who will be going to a new family later today). I seriously have to get better control of this, and I don’t want to have to go in for intense evaluations to just be told that I either a) need medicine that I’ll have to be on for the rest of my life or b) therapy sessions where I spend weeks talking about the same things without moving forward. I have to move forward, or I’m going to lose myself. And that prospect is frightening. I have to accept that fear, and make it into a weapon to help myself. Mold it to improve instead of hinder. This will be a task and a path, that like many things, will last the rest of my life. I’m already ruining friendships, potential relationships, and my familial relationships with the intensity of my anxiety or my antisocial tendencies. I’ve got to break this NOW!

This post was, if anything, true admittance of my problem. I’ve admitted it before, and accepted it, but now I have to defeat it. And I promise to myself that I will. Perhaps its time for a good affirmation ceremony to banish that anxiety during this waning moon…

❤ Nym

B is for Baking (PBP)

02 Thursday Feb 2012

Posted by Nymphaea in Cooking, Pagan Blog Project, Practical Spirituality

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Tags

Baking, Delicious, Pagan Blog Project, PBP

Baking is a magical experience of journey, trial and error and yields either awesome or awful results.  I’d love to make bread soon, and after basic breads start making herb breads with special purposes (making them as offerings, blessed bread, etc).  This post is all about the pictures and me making chocolate chip cookies from scratch with the Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chip recipe (minus the nuts). Enjoy!

No dry measuring cups, making due with liquid ones.

Finally have some ingredients together!

Beat that dough!

Hand mixing is the only way to go

Finished dough

Tasty cookie dough!

Full cabinet

Pan 1 ready for action

The pan warped 😦

Hot off the press! I mean pan!

Finished and delicious

B is for Brevity (PBP)

27 Friday Jan 2012

Posted by Nymphaea in Life, Pagan Blog Project, Paganism

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Brevity, Pagan Blog Project, Pagan Blogging Project, Paganism, PBP

Yep, another “is this really witchy?” topic for my Pagan Blog Project post.  And yes, this one will also be without pictures.  While trying to catch up I’ve been shodding the letters some.  I’ll hopefully be having lovely pictures with my “C” topics.

 

So, brevity.  You and are often at odds with one another.  In fact, you tend to be the enemy of most of us with the ADD persuasion.  And why is that? Because stream of conscious thinking tends to be at war with succinct and concise thought.  From someone who plays on both sides of the fence, someone who wants to eventually turn her blog into more than just a bunch of rambling thoughts, and who tends to be overwhelmed within her thoughts, I have to come to grips with brevity.  What better way than through practices that will entwine themselves with my entire life?

I see lovely rituals created online, in Wicca 101 books, in group rituals.  These are gorgeous rituals that make you feel the energy of the group, that take you up and down the roller coasters of emotion and make your very bodies hum to the gods (or they might be a bunch of shit, those are often present too, but I’m erring on the side of optimism and not on the stack of books in the corner mentally labeled “shit not to read”).  These rituals have their time and place, they really do.  For huge holidays and festivals and, you guessed it, group work!  But who has time for long ass rituals every day?  And who gets all intimidated by the idea of creating one when first starting their path? ME. That’s right.  Those long lovely things scare the willies out of me.  And that’s why, while working on meditation for my tradition training, I’m going to work on brevity in thought and action.  Yes, my poetic ramblings have their place.  Sometimes though, you just gotta get shit done.  Sit, focus, pray.  Rinse, repeat.  Yeah, the Gods may care about all the little nuances you have going on in your brain.  But they don’t want to listen to the rabble as you rant on and on about the man not caring about you, about the family who pisses you off.  Go to the Gods with your praise and with your problems, yes.  But remember, its like the difference between telling your lover how your day was and telling them every iota of ridiculous thought that popped into your head.  Sometimes the shorter statement can be the more powerful.

Now, of course, we have to recognize when and where brevity itself has its place.  But I think that this comes with experience in spirituality, social interaction and with life itself.  So I won’t get too down on myself if I still ramble from time to time, I am young with many lessons left to learn.  But brevity, I hope one day to call upon you as a friend when needed.  Just like that friend who you know you can always count on to kick some ass for you if you ever get in too deep, you’ll be my ally when I just need to cut the cords and get things done!

And there is my first ‘B’ post!

❤ Nym

 

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